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Hello
I wanted to open with a moment of silence for those who are suffering …..
Today was a good day, I started with a prey and asked for help today.The wisdom to do the things I needed to for my well being, ( keeping my side of the street clean ). to share my feelings but not to blame another for my choices. Thank-you for the warm welcome.
Victoria
Terryann, Oh Sorry…
It’s Yvonne. I changed computers and made a change.
It’s been a really long time since I have posted. Lots happens in life and I’m hoping for a fresh view/insight from someone who has been down this path. I’m not looking for counseling-I’m doing that. Just perspective, I guess. Spouse doing porn for 10years, thank God for bsafe filter! And he refuses to get help, a christian guy too, but now God is beginning to deal with him on past issues in his life, actually rejection issues(this is good). But, he has decided that he no longer loves me(we are married 22 years), not sure if he wants to be married and is basically laying everything in his life on the table, so to speak. Has been talking with female online(BIG MISTAKE) for one month prior to telling me these things. She apparently has some morals and has backed off, but he continues to send her messages and attempt to talk with her. Emails in past were totally inappropriate. Thoughts?
Ann,
Interesting, I am in a similar situation with my husband. When they say they don’t ‘love’ us what they mean is they don’t ‘feel’ the love and in reality they have been in the process of ‘numbing’ their authentic feelings and meeting the need for real love in their fantasy. They can be whoever they imagine themselves to be without facing any accountability for who they actually are when they involve themselves with the ‘adultress.’ real or imaginary. They compare us with ‘her’ and she is ‘perfect’ and utterly all about making him ‘feel’ good. We reflect reality and facing reality is exactly the opposite of where he goes with ‘her’. He has no capacity to see beyond his fantasy to understand the big picture.
My husband focuses entirely on my behavior and all the inappropriate ways I reacted to his infidelity over the last 32 years of our marriage. We did start out all wrong and I was very controlling. I always bought into his thinking because I had no idea about the addiction and I had my own deficits. Until I came here and heard the exact same stories in the lives of all these women I was trapped. I started on my journey of awareness about 3 years ago and it has been a tremendous struggle. I am still struggling but at least I can identify the characters and I understand the dynamics.
We just went through a situation. He told me he can’t and won’t go back and work through the issues of the past and used the example of Mary Magdalyn the prostitute When Jesus forgave her and told her to “go and sin no more”. He thinks we can just go forward and never look back. I suspect that he just thinks he can go forward and the addiction will go away. I believe it would be possible if he were not using my behavior as his excuse for acting out and could be honestly repentant for his sin of infidelity and understand the nature of the addiction.
I agreed to go along with completely forgetting the past as he asked. Of course I knew that it was not the answer and that without working through the issues in reality he could not be free of the addiction. He was using the excuse that I was bitter and unforgiving so I decided to remove that excuse by agreeing to leave the past behind. He had been chatting with a woman for a year at least. We had two weeks of him attempting to be a husband until I saw our phone bill and realized he had continued to chat even though he promised to end it. I was not expecting him to end it because I knew it was an excuse. I think he was thinking he’d give the marriage a shot and if I was ‘perfect’ enough we could make it work. Everything was focused on me and my behavior. Obviously I knew that was rediculous but I as hoping he could see the real elephant in the room or at least get an inkling that his behavior was the issue.
When I confronted him he went right back to all the excuses that are the memorex he keeps running in his head about me that are his excuses for acting out. I believe he has a genuine desire to serve God but hasn’t a clue what that looks like relationally speaking. I do not allow myself to believe there is any other way to work through this but to come to terms with reality and face the pain he has avoided all his life and attempted to address with his addiction. Until that happens nothing will change. This time I wanted to remove the excuse that I was unforgiving. I was able to point out that it was him who used the past and could not forgive me and leave the past behind. I could tell that he understood and it made him stop and think.
That wasn’t even a beginning though. He has to realize the elephant in the room is the addiction and not my ‘controlling’ behavior that has caused the love ‘feeling’ not to be there. In reality we are married and his addiction is the cause of the broken bond. My behavior has been destructive and I have worked on that behavior for 3 years and corrected much of it for my own sanity and to recover my own identity. Making the marriage work requires both of us desiring to live in reality and being in recovery. I just try to stay out of the way of how the Lord desires to deal with him and not dance the dance that allows him to put the focus on me. He uses the excuse that it was all a big mistake in the first place and that we never should have married but the scripture says to bloom where you are planted and does not provide an excuse for divorce because you made a mistake choosing. He knows that it is Gods will to not divorce and is attempting to deal with the conflict of understanding how that could be Gods will and do what he is doing and feeling the way he feels. I believe he is processing through that now. All I can do is pray for him because no amount of talking or manipulating will bring him to the place he has to be to resolve his conflict.
I do believe that divorce may be inevitable as a means of grace if the addicted one never comes to the understanding of what he is doing and desires to stop it. By getting divorced if we make that choice knowing it is not Gods will to see marriages end, we are respecting the sanctity of marriage by refusing to make a mockery of it and acting on the choice the addict has already made to end the marriage. How long do we wait? That is an individual choice and I am not certain at this point what it will be for me but I know if he does not stop the addiction it certainly will.
PR Look at the last entry in June. It was my response.
Y
Jodi B, Where can I read more about brain chemistry and overcoming grief and trauma? Also, how could I get hold of the video by the author of The shack?
Question for everyone: Are SA’s suffering from an inability to bond?
PR
PR I believe all addictions are evidence of an inability to bond. Bonding in secure or authentic relationships that produce a capacity for joy is what we were created for. When there is overwhelming trauma and no ability to work through the trauma they regulate their negative emotions with the addiction. Once they have attached to the addiction they are not capable of attaching to another person because they are meeting the need with the addiction.
What happened to everyone?
I think it’s this new format-I really don’t like it at all-very difficult to communicate.
How are you? What is new with your situation?
We’re at the worst part of legalities-keep us in your prayers please.
It’s my first time here. I discovered my husband’s addiction two years ago when his “acting out” had led him to basically be a harlot of sorts–leading a completely double life.
He says he is a Christian, and there have been seasons where I have seen some fruit, but lately his anger and distance have only increased–ringing familiar bells.
He does not know how to bond emotionally–effects of his childhood abuse. And he is not willing to truly face those deeper issues.
I believe I need to set some clear boundaries on account of our home and our children. Praying for wisdom. Praying for God to lead. “Father please speak to me.”
~L
Hi Terri,
I agree.
Well not a lot of progress. I’m basically in a holding pattern.
I am definitely praying for you. Hang in there Terri. I’m sure the reality of putting your heart and soul out there is a horror. I’m sure it will be worth it.
God Bless you!!!
Hello ladies:
Here I am again although has passed lot of time since the last day that I wrote.
Well the situation hasn´t changed , it´s basically the same. Or not, I don´t know.
Two days ago the lawyer, sent us the divorce sentence, well, now, our marriage is totally dissolved, in the papers. ( Inside of me, I feel as his wife, yet, and I feel him, as my husband.Yes I know that only blocked my life in the future.
Now he is not changing and hans´t got the intention of change his life and to change myself.
His lover went back to her home, and now he lives alone again, and for this reason he came back home to have lunch every day, but I feel that is something that he make for convenience, it´s easier for him. My friends told me that I can´t let him to go home to have lunch but maybe it´s a way of help him.
Although his lover went back to her town, I know that he has another “friends” .It´s hard to me, but I am strong.
I don´t have anger, or revenge, I only feel alone,That´s all.
He speaks with me some times, he told me that he wanted to finish the relationship with his lover, but I know he is in contact with her.
I feel that he tells me one thing to me, and another to her, at least I don´t believe him.
His father is worried about him, his mother not, she thinks that if she acts that if nothing has happened everything could be solved.
It´s strange differents points of view of the same situation.
His father thinks that he is acting bad, he is not making good things.Well At least somebody see that he is not the same,
Well, I wish express myself better but I can´t.
Thank U Bless U
Hello Cande,
Oh I’m sooo sorry. Wish we could be there to hug you!!! His father is right. He is ‘making bad things,’ for everyone. I think w do get it Cande. We all feel it. You are not alone. I know you mean in person but we all stand with you against this terrible addiction.
The ‘lover’ is not REALLY a lover. She is the adulteress. He can’t connect to her because she is the drug and not a relationship. Any relationship that is adultery cannot be real. Lust is not love!
Don’t isolate yourself Cande! Remember who you are. God delights in you and your true identy is in Christ, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN DAUGHTER OF THE LIVING GOD!!!
Cande,
I really know how you feel when you say even though you are divorced, you still feel he is your husband. I feel the same way even though I was divorced May10. I can only think that will fade with time.
I also feel the same way that you do in that I don’t seem to feel angry with my ex husband. I feel sad and alone. Perhaps the anger will come for you and I; perhaps it will not.
I feel for you in your pain. I let myself cry, but I also try to make sure I spend time with other people that love me. I keep doing things that I like to do. And I pray and pray and pray. I’ll pray for you and think of you often. Keep writing us. We know what you are going through.
PR
Thank you ladies, Thank you lightspeak and Pr.
Yes, I understand what you say to me, but desperation has this feeling inside myself.
I pray, and ask God, what i have to do with my life, but I can´t hear the answer, something blocked me.
Somebody told, this is as if you have an accident, and you are shocked, but it is so hard when that person refuses you, he lets you.
A friends of us spoke with him.This friend is very spiritual person, my ex-h didn´t aswer his phone calls, but on Friday he did it.
They spoke about him, he said that he knew that he had made bad things, bad behaivour, and he only wanted to find a woman that respect him and a woman to serve God.
Our friend told him that he could try this with 5, 6,8,10 women, but he failed all the time.He told him that what has happened with the woman that he had (me) ann the two daughters that we have, but he told our friend that he has to finish because he had work.
Well, in this time, what is supposed that I have to do.?????????
My first reaction is telling him what I feel with his behaviour.
But I dn´t want, because he can´t support me.
He knows as I told him, that I wait for him, I will wait until he has the concious that he do, but he thinks in looking for a women that respect him.
And what happened with the respect of himself, his daughter, me????
He told me that every thing happened because I didn´t respect him, he was an adulter because I didn´t respect him, and I thought during long time, that it was true, maybe if I has act in another way, it hasn´t had happened????? This is a great problem for me.
Why he search for a women, instead of understand that he failed, or well, nobody failed, this happened because there were problems not solved but not for this you break your life and 3 lives more.
Yesterday I saw my 2 years old baby, and I started to cry because I thought in her father, and in my life.
Well, sad day I have.
Thank U for support
Bless U
Well good night; If somebody knows it, i would like to know in which part of the adicction my ex-h is???
Today I asked him about where his path goes, where is the goal??? I asked him: maybe to be together again?? And he answered : I don´t know.
He said differents things to different people.
And I see that he will go a week to a holiday with another woman, not his lover, I think she doesn´t know that or maybe they broke.
Who is that person, that he waste the money that we haven´t got ???another woman? Well this a disaster.
Bless U
Cande,
It is NOT YOUR FAULT that your husband has turned to other women. It is his sickness. He is trying to blame you because he doesn’t want to face his own problems. There is nothing you could have done differently, and I’m sorry to say that there is nothing you can do about it now. Your husband has to want to change, and right now he doen’t want to.
I know so well the desperation that you feel. I have felt it, too. Everyone keeps telling me that it will pass with time. I didn’t believe them, but it is starting to get better. At first I cried many times each day, but now I have days when I feel OK.
I am so sorry for your pain. I think your friend is right that you are in shock. This is a terrible thing to go through. It is impossible to understand how our husbands can tear apart their families like this.
Remember: Do not believe him when he says it is your fault. He is respnsible for what he did. And what he did to you and your family is wrong.
Keep writing. We are here for you.
Polly
Thank you Lightspeak-the next week is it-please don’t stop praying. This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Praying specifically for details that have been buried to be brought to life-then forgotten again-
we are praying that the angels will surround us like they did for GIdeon and the TRUTH will prevail.
The pain in so unbearable I can barely breathe.
Oh Terri.
I know it must be so hard. I also know you have what it takes to get through all of this. I know God is and will go with you and he is with you now. One thing I am learning is that as Christians we do not get to avoid pain. We are learning to ’suffer well’. We are choosing not to take the easy way and it is unbearable. I have been going through a roller coaster ride with my husband and I understand that feeling. I thank you so much Terri. It’s women like you that do what is right in spite of all that pain that inspire others. I know you are going to be okay and I promise you , I am praying.
God bless you and your children.
Y
Cande,
I have to agree with PR. I understand what everyone says about why they do what they do but on a heart level I really don’t. You and your children are his treasure. How or why he can’t see it is tragic. more so for him than for you. We suffer because we do understand the value of our families. They will get it but the loss will be so much worse for them because they will know that they did it to themselves and everyone in the family. They won’t have the relationships and they will regret it.
Do something nice for yourself today and know the Lord goes with you!!!
Y
Dear ladies:
Dear Lightspeak:
So thank U very much for the support.
Yes, I go in one our to the beach with my children and to give me a chance.
Lord is with us.
I feel that my life with him is impossible, not in this way.
Our friend, he is a God servant tell me, that i have to wait, to wait, God put me this problem because He know that I am strong to support it but I don´t know how.
I see as he sees me, and I feel the hate in his eyes, or maybe the embarrassment of that he makes.
I read the letters that he wrote me when we noticed that our first baby was going to born, and i felt so sweet , love, and he was proud, and now although he loves her, is different, well i don´t know how explain it.
I feel that he wants a new life, with new people, searching for a woman, and me, waiting a miracle.
It is stupid for me.
Bless U thank U
I am thinking this morning about how we all have suffered from what we feel as rejection from our SA husbands. We ourselves know that we have made mistakes in our marriage, but we also know that we have been loving and kind and faithful. We have given them so much, yet they turn away from us. We loved them so much and devoted our hearts to them. It is horrible pain to have none of that acknowledged. But we all know that we gave our all and have nothing to be ashamed of. We can be proud of the beautiful love we gave. Blessing to all of you.
PR
This is my very first time here. On June 2, 2010 my world fell apart when I discovered for at least the past four yrs my SO has been engaged in a variety of sexual practices outside our relationship. 2 serious, ongoing relationships and many many anonymous sexual encounters. We have started couples counseling but he has yet to really start on recovery for himself. He has been out of the area off and on since the discovery so our sessions have been limited and I am desperately seeking some support….I’ve called into a couple of the 12 step programs (COSA mainly) and don’t feel that is where I will get the support I need RIGHT NOW! I feel alone on an island….I thought I would start here…hoping I can get some support online
Hello. I am so sorry that I have been remiss in posting, just needed to take a break for awhile. Please don’t ever think for one minute that I haven’t been praying hard for you. It is very sad to see such a blank board. This group of wonderful, strong women is what got me up in the mornings and is what lead me back to the Lord. I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I am.
So life definitely remains a roller coaster but I now know that my constant variable is God and that He will be there for me no matter what. I just can’t seem to let go of the fear and give it up to Him and I feel so much conviction about this. I so want to let go but then I feel as though He has put things in front of me to keep my awareness open around me. As others have said we are such strong women and not just because of this crap we are dealing with. I look at it as what other women would truly put up with my husband’s crap like I do?
Thank you Yvonne for bringing up the fact that our h’s use our behavior as the excuse of their problems. I am still so tired of this. My h has started walking with the Lord but still has the whole, sin and repent thing messed up. He thinks that because Jesus forgives him that I am going to as well. Well I am not Jesus and never will be, so if that is what he is looking for we are both wasting our time. I try really hard to let go of the past but when he continues to let his anger and Satan get the best of him even now, it is hard to let everything go.
I know he has a lot he is working on in addition to his SA, like his sexual anorexia, chewing addiction and anger management problem but I am still on the other end taking the wrath from all of it and I am sorry if I can’t just sit there looking pretty and pat him on the back and say everything is going to be okay. He sends me an e-mail the other day telling me he still can’t get rid of his lust and checks out every car he drives by looking for a pretty woman (even when I am with him) and likes to look at provocative dressed women but that he is doing so much better and I should be acknowledging that compared to what he used to do. I am worked up, going to pray. Love to all of you and welcome to those of you that are new. Kim O
Wow, PR you have spoken truth! I hope to have no regrets regardless of how things turn out. God truly knows our hearts and how we have pursued Him.
In my last entry, I mentioned about a woman my spouse was chatting with on line and have been praying that God would cut it off. Well, she sent him an email that she didn’t want to be a distraction while he was trying to work out things with his wife!!! He still has very limited contact with her-like one short message in a month, nothing like it was. So, there are other godly women out there……when even if my husband acted inappropriately, she chose to do right. God is very good.
Another computer was brought into our house, he will not allow filter on, porn again viewed. I have ask him to either chose the porn and leave or deal with the porn and cut it off. He is acting like life is normal.
Dear Indespair,
Welcome welcome to this site. We all know the pain and heartbreak and trauma that hit so hard when you discover your partner’s secrets. My heart goes out to you. You have come to the right place.
I would highly recommend the book Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha Means. It is written to help us. What I treasure about this book is that it does not label us coaddicts. It does not state that we also have a disease because we are married to thiese men. That really helped me. Also, it talks extensively about the trauma we experience as a result of the sexual betrayal. You can get it at Amazon.com.
Do you have a friend or relative or clergy that you can talk to? I chose not to keep my ex hysband’s behavior a secret because I had to have people to talk to and to hold me up. Maybe it would be good for you to find a counselor for yourself.
Keep writing us. Pour out all your feelings here. We have had them all. I’m so very sorry you are going through this, but glad you found this site.
PR
I found out 2 mos ago my husband is a sex addict and has lied our whole 8 years of marriage. He acts out with prostitutes it is far beyond porn. I must say to all the ladies in the house, I think we enable them by staying with them. I am tired of all the “God loving patience” as we sit back faithfully while decieve cheat lie and put our lives at risk for STD or HIV. I feel by staying with spouses we know are active, we test God’s love for us, not demonstrate it. If there is a fire next to us, would Jesus want us to stick our face in it become permanatly disfigured or die, never to raise our childern and complete a full life on earth? I doubt it. Unless a man is truly repentant, TRULY in a 12 step program and stays that way for any length of time, is there hope. Otherwise, out of respect for God’s love for US, we need to leave them and stop exposing ourselves to harm. We expose ourselves, we expose our children. Pray for strength. That we may leave them so their sin. Perhaps it is what they need to find real repentance.
Hello ladyes, I want to say hello to new ladies and tell them that they get the right place.
Here you can find the support that we need.
I am not very good today, well,I never pass good days since almost one year ago
Well bassicaly I don´t know how to get enough strenght to support this.
He waste our money in travels, mobile calls and lot of girls.
why??
Whay he wants to change his life at all?Wasn´t happy before???
Maybe he is looking for the love that I couldn´t give him.
Thanks
Bless U
Cande,
No Cande!!! That’s not love. What you gave him WAS love!!! It’s about him. He is not capable of having a connected secure relationship with a women. He is addicted to sexual encounters like a drug addict is addicted to drugs. He isn’t looking for love. He’s using women like a drug to medicate himself. It’s not easy to understand. We always look at ourselves like its our fault. No one is perfect but this is a sin he has chosen to do and it has nothing to do with you!!! Big superstars like Christy Brinkley and Sandra Bullock have the same problems. They are very beautiful women and their husbands are sex addicts to. It’s very hard to understand how they can continue to do this and destroy the lives of the ones that love them the most. They are very dangerous men and we need to understand it so we can be healed and healthy regardless of what they do.
God Bless!!