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June 1, 2010 at 4:41 pm
Dorrie,
For what it’s worth – I didn’t have the extra money to get help for myself – I used this blog and all these lovely ladies as my help. I also read books to undertsand the mind of an SA – which revealed to me the source of the marital problems. I realize my behaviors probably contributed to problems but the utmost source was SA.
Over time, books and this blog – I am in a good place.
Just one source of info for you.
Just because it worked for me – doesn’t necessarily mean it would be right for you.
Good luck!
Jodi
Thanks for the info Jodi. Its great to hear that you are in a good place.
God bless you!
Dorrie
Terryann,
Are you still reading Terryann? I’m just wondering how you’re doing.
Lightspeak-I feel curious and honored to have you ask about how I am doing. I don’t recall your history. I have not been on for sometime and just checked to see how everyone is doing. Thanks for asking about me.
The same old question-how do I get help, and especially if it is not in my budget for therapy. I live in a small town, no therapist for partners, only the SA therapist my H used, and later had over a year long affair. I found this site, Recovery Nation, reading, to be helpful, especially at first. Then-face2face groups were invaluable to become fast friends with women who totally understood, could call me , call me on stuff, etc. My H and I have been reconciled 2 years, going to couples group, individual therapy, and men and women groups. I also maintain personal contact with several women from this site-and love them all-we can trust each other.
I am happy, mostly with myself-my H isn’t my entire focus anymore-and that is healthier. Until you can surrender and accept that you can’t, won’t and don’t manage his life, you will be stuck in that co-dependency struggle. I was so bad-I worried that I wasn’t even a “good” co-dependent!!! Until you live your life without fear of the future-you are still embroiled in some co-dependency issues. Life without fear-think of it-how freeing and wonderful it is. It is our own fears that entrap us, surrender to today, what is, and trust that the Lord will, has taken care of you, I never would have willingly chosen this path of partner of a SA, but I can truely say that I have learned much about myself, addictions, and met some of the loveliest people on earth. I will occasionally check in, I see the growth here of everyone, whether it is willingly or not! Best to all from Colorado-Happy 4th-celebrate YOUR independence as well! Terryann
Jodi-
Can’t believe we are in the same place-once again!! Isn’t God just amazing? To let us get in touch through this blog without knowing anyone else was going through what we were (are). That is incredible!! So glad to hear how well you are doing-it brings such joy to my heart!
Thanks so much to you all for your love and prayers and support-I’ll be in touch with the outcome in less than 2 months now-it can’t end quickly enough.
Yvonne, Jodi B, -so appreciate your sweet words of encouragement. I needed them desperately.
Love to you all-
Ladies-don’t give in-you are worth this fight-give it all you’ve got, keep posting and listen to the advice here-it has not come lightly or easily. You can make it-and i didn’t believe it when I started-and it is so much better than I ever imagined.
Terri
Very confused by the site here now …I don’t seem to be getting new posts …the format seems to have changed. Is anyone else having difficulty?
It seems like no one is posting????
I haven’t posted because of hectic family commitments but have always dipped into the site and received immense support from reading about other womens journeys ….it has prevented me from feeling isolated and kept me grounded in reality. I can’t believe that everyone has just stopped posting ….we’re all still here on the same path. It almost feels as if we’ve been shut down …..you know the way a ‘friend’ will let you know she doesn’t want to get involved!!
Come back ladies …we have gained so much from each other …Jodi B …Pam ….Cande …..Jodi …..Yvonne …..thankyou Lightspeak for letting me know that you’re still there …….Blessings for all of us everywhere MA
I yhink they must have had some technical glitches for a while or something………….it just didnt seem like any new posts were showing up ………..or maybe we all just hit a busy spell. I have only had two days off work since 27 May with getting this snow chalet of 90 beds up and running……this is the opening weekend and I had a day off today but have friends visiting……..a long weekend in Australia in NSW.
But don’t think the same old heart eating soul destroying stuff doesnt keep coming up…………………try and read Your sexually addicted spouse the stories from men about what they did to women they loved is very validating. Why do we keep needing validation!!!!!! It seems like a part of us wants to think we have blown it out of all proportion and maybe there’s a chance he is a good guy and we have problems accepting male behaviour. This seems like a crazy thought to me 90% of the time but it keeps recurring for short periods of time before I think “RUBBISH”…………..no real man behaves like this.
Struggling with soon to be ex’s return to our small town and his absolute denial that I ever existed. Is the price we pay for holding someone accountable for sick behaviour we never sought to uncover??? Someone called it the gift that keeps on giving……….I am now understanding that expression and yes wonder whether I will ever get over it totally despite so much happiness in other areas of my life.
All please try to keep posting even at the risk of repeating ourselves. Thanks Maryann for repeating to us all how this blog helps with the terrible isolation when you feel there is no-one who “gets It” even in our closest friendships. And who wants to talk in a foreign language to friends over and over. Someone else said the computer got a lot of our partners into trouble……..isnt it only fair it helps us to recover from that trouble!!
Love to all
Pam
Hello Pam ……I love your blogs they have so much to offer us and the touch of humour is so welcome. Yes, yes and yes! I really do find myself wondering if I’m over-reacting, was I lacking sexually, am I just old and unappealing ….after all I say, what red blooded male wouldn’t prefer an exotic 22yr old Indian girl to a 60 year old Brit! Well to be honest most of my friends husbands just would not go there ….they value what they have too much and would cringe at the thought of visiting a prostitute. To be fair my H is disgusted with himself and very afraid that we aren’t going to make it especially when I occasionally let rip with some of my anger.
Interested to hear that you’re in the hospitality business …we’re in the process of preparing our fishermans cottage in Cornwall for the summer season and yes it’s very hectic as we are 5 star and have to have the place spot on …keeps me busy and out of mischief but also with no time to blog …..good to hear that you’re still there and thriving and busy as always…….love the computer reference …thanks for the smile …Virtual Hugs
Stunning post Jodi B………….you are so understanding of the need for ongoing support we all seem to need as the questions create whirlpools in our minds………….I’ll be in touch soon. Special love to you and your guidance to us all is priceless.
Pam
Hello Ladies:
Well a lot of time since I don´t write.
I continue my life, with my responsabilities and this situation around our lives.
Two weeks ago, my ex-h told me that he was nearest from our lives, our daughter asked him when he came to have dinner, lunch and breakfast with us, and he told her sooner.
The next day he sent me an email and he told me that he wants to finish his relation ship with his lover, he didn´t want hurt her, he didn´t want hurt her, he wanted stop smoking, he wanted to be a good person, lover father.
I don´t know it seems very hard to know this things.
I feel he want to break something but I don´t n know how to help.
Bye, bless U
Dear Cande,
You sound as if your ex-H is confusing you and playing with your emotions as these men do so well. Try and stay focused on what you feel is right for you and your children. It seems as if your H is trying to draw you back into a very complex situation and to keep you unbalanced so that you don’t know what to do for the best. Just remember that you are central in your own life and don’t be overwhelmed by someone else’s needs.
We take so many backward steps on this journey but must plod on forward for these precious children of ours. Follow your heart and take care of yourself so that you stay strong. You have a lovely spirit ….protect it and yourself. Remember YOU are your life and can build and shape your days to suit you and your sweet babies…….thinking of you and wishing you loads of support …..Bless You Maryann
hi ladies, I stumbled upon this by accident…..hmmm, perhaps more like a God thing as I was pouring my heart out to God this morning that I didn’t know how to do this anymore…..I just got married in January and shortly after the honeymoon discovered porn on my husbands computer……….of course he went balsitic, denied it, then siad he didn’t remember when he looked at it, a few days later I found more……anyway…….to make a long story short, there has been other discoveries, fights, lies, denial……..I cannot tell you how this has totally ripped me apart and I keep obsessing over it in my mind…..he says that he has gained the victory over it and hasn’t mastrubated in a long time and doesn’t lust after women any more and he can’t figure out why I am still not trusting him and not happily married. We had two counseling sessions with a young pastor’s assistant that focused on my past sexual abuse as if I am over reacting due to that (I have dealt with this in therapy years ago) anyways, I am hitting brick walls, I have found a female therapist and am hoping to be able to work on some deeper issues that have cropped up, like insecurites, fears of him lusting after the women dressed provocativley and then coming home fired up and horny and using my 50 yr old body to appease his lust……anyone relate to that or am I totally wacked out????? HELP!!!! please pray for me and for our marriage………thank you…Laura Lee
Hi Lauralee,
So glad you found this site …it is full of wisdom and you will gain much from the experience and insight you find here. Hope you are able to read past postings from the archives as it surely helps to validate our feelings and responses when we read about other women and their journey.
Jodi B’s words are pearls and go a long way to prevent me from drowning in my isolation and feeling as if I’m going crazy and the spiritual element is literally uplifting ………..if our souls are supported then surely the rest will follow.
Hi Ladies,
Where is everyone?
I am now in spain and only log on intermittently but don’t know where all the lovely ladies have gone …..hopefully the lack of postings means that we are all in a good place right now but even though I have moved on from crisis point I still get slammed sideways by a trigger at some point on a regular basis. Only to find that my H is totally oblivious to my stress/distress. This is not to say that he doesn’t care but these men seem able to move on more easily. I do not, not, not like the victim role so become angry with myself for sliding into it …..I need to remind myself that I was a 70’s girl and marched to ban the bomb, save the whales, etc, etc ….now I have to march to save my soul, my sanity, my integrity and my joy …. love n stuff to all.
Hello, I am new and am enjoying the blog. I;m not really sure what to say.
In short I am a greatful member of COSA and S-anon.
I hope to gain some wisdom from your experance
Hugs Victoria
Well for whatever reason I am still here. It would be nice to hear from some of you. I;m wondering about you Terryann. How is it going?
Hi Ladies,
I am new to this blog. I have been married to my h for 8 years. I have known even before we were married that he has struggled with SA. Many times he says he will get help and he seems like his is in recovery, then a couple months later, he has fallen back in his old ways. In January of this year, he seemed to really get serious about recovery and was in recovery for about 90 days, but then slipped up again. Now he is back into his old ways. We have 4 kids together and I do love him. However, I don’t know how much longer I can deal with his SA. I stay because when he is in recovery, he really so different and that gives me hope. He is a great daddy and the kids would be very upset if he left. But when his back to his old ways things are not so great. I feel used by him and he doesn’t understand that. he says that I am his wife and I am suppose to help him out so he will not lust. I just don’t know what to do. I know that God can heal him, but I need to get my own help now. Thanks for listening.
Hi Joanne,
I wish I had something super positive to say but this is a hard way to go and most of them just keep going back unless they get into a hard core program with a lot of accountability and even then its so hard. They have to really want it.
As for you, you have it!! Yes you have to focus on you. With four children to raise you have your hands full. He may seem like a good Dad but a good Dad loves his children and models faithfulness and honesty by loving their mother. What he’s teaching them is that its okay to lie and cheat. Children read all the signals whether they know specifically or not. You taking care of you and continuing to nurture and care for them is all they have. If you get so caught up with him you forget that they need you more now than ever. Taking care of you will help you stay connected to them and to yourself.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. At least you came this far. Just don’t give up and don’t get complacent. You can’t control anything he does. He will do what he wants.
Take care!
Wow this new site is different! I hit reply to Lightspeak-so my post is up in the earlier dates. Words of wisdom are found here often, it just seems sad to keep having new wonderful women have to be here. I am doing good-happy-with myself and truely authentic now. It is wonderful to live without fear-that is the key. What will be will be. As Jodi B said -it takes 2 recovering people to make a marriage. If H isn’t recovering-do you own recovery work. Freedom is there for the taking with hard recovery work, the result is you become authentic, in addition to all your other attribute, and the freedom of not living in fear is actually the best part. Happy 4th to all, and celebrate YOUR independence-it is awesome. We always cared too much about everything else, now is your time to care for yourself. Terryann
Hello All.
Glad to see so many posts again. Laura Lee, welcome. I had an experience similar to yours with a counselor. She kept going back to how my SA husband’s behavior resembled my father’s. It was as if I were reacting to his mistreatment of me only because my father had also been rejecting. I stopped seeing her. I REFUSE to buy into that, and I hope you won’t either. It doesn’t matter what you went through in your childhood, the behavior of the SA husband is WRONG, and your feelings of betrayal are real and justified.
It has now been 5 months since I discovered my husband’s online activity and 2 months since we were divorced. My friends and family have been very supportive but are tired of hearing about it. They want me to just move on. I still have such sadness in my heart. I still wish my ex loved me enough to want to seek help for himself. I tell myself over and over that his addiction has nothing to do with me, but still I wish that my love for him would have been able to pull him away from it.
I still long for my ex. There is nowhere else I can say that but here. Other people think that because he behaved so badly, I should not care for him anymore, Our third anniversary would have been last Thursday. I remember our wedding day and my total belief that I had at last found my life partner. We spent so much time writing our ketubah (Jewish marriage contract) and I totally believed that my groom was committed to our sacred bond. I think he thought so, too, but I now believe he thought our marriage would “rescue” him from his SA problems. I, of course, knew nothing about his problem. I am going forward with my life. I am immersing myself in activities and friendships that bring me joy. I can now smile and have fun. Still my heart aches for him. Our wedding invitations had the quote “I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine” I still feel that way inside even though he has totally betrayed me and shown no remorse. I wonder when I will stop secretly feeling that he is my husband.
It’s so good to have a place where I can say these things. My head knew I had to seek divorce, but my heart has not yet caught up with that. Thank you all fo much.
pr As painful as it is, if he went through the divorce and has no remorse it seems clear that you were able to make a wise choice for yourself. As bad as it feels I believe even those feelings are better than the numbness he is experiencing because you are staying in reality despite it and allowing yourself to stay connected with your grief. Divorce is the tearing of a body in half. Imagine literally what the pain would be of having your body ripped apart. I do believe marriage is a sacred and mysterious union where two individuals become one flesh as the scriptures say. To go through the motions of becoming an individual again will take a long time and rightfully so. As incredibly tragic and difficult as it is, thank God you are here and you have the opportunity to dress your wound, heal, understand what has happened and change your future.
One thing you must know as you seek answers for yourself. It’s not your fault….period! Faithfulness is foundational in marriage. Other issues can be worked through and the marriage bond can be intact but when the foundation is broken the damage is profound. Some do work through the issue of infidelity but it is a very long and difficult process with a lot more failure than success. I believe that is why it is the one exception in the scriptures for divorce. There are those who do succeed and do get through it but it’s a lot of work and too few addicts choose to go through it until they have crushed the lives of their families and themselves. If I had to do it again I’d do what you are doing and learn everything I could to understand what happened.
Finding fault and understanding, are two different things. I do believe it is appropriate to explore who we are and why we choose as we do. If we had no healthy modeling of marriage by our parents and the relational style of our parents was not secure we do learn from them and inadvertently recreate the environment that is familiar. That does not make us responsible for the immoral choice of our husband or excuse him for his infidelity. It helps us to understand what happened and gives us a hope that we can be better equipped to make different choices in the future.
No one deserves to be abused and we all have the fundamental right as a human being being made in the image of God to be valued and treated with dignity and respect. As image bearers we are responsible to treat ourselves and others as living souls of the highest value and not as mere objects to meet our own needs. We should not allow ourselves to be abused or abuse others. I believe our journey begins with knowing who we are and learning what it means to be an image bearer of the living God with intrinsic value above and beyond our own awareness. We deserve to be respected and valued based on that fact alone. I believe as we learn who we are we learn who others are as well and we will change our attractions as we mature. We don’t have to feel utterly vulnerable wondering when the next boulder is going to crush us. While we know we will encounter life’s pain and struggle we can equip ourselves with the capacity to endure and not be left with the devastation of a victim. We do have a measure of control over ourselves and our choices. As we understand the anatomy of the issue and experience of the issue we can change the way we make our choices. We can take ownership of who we are and hopefully we will attract others who have that same understanding of themselves. We have the opportunity to learn how to process our pain and not lose our identity. It is taking what is meant to destroy our life and allowing it to become our strength.
Suffice it to say simply; you will get through this. Just put one foot in front of the other and don’t take the easy way out. He may not feel the fire beneath his feet but it is there. You do feel it and with the courage you are being equipped with you will get out of the fire and heal. If he doesn’t his life will be destroyed and he will live to regret it. You can’t look back. It is what it is. You can look forward knowing others have gone before you and learned to love again but today you can grieve without reproach and know there is a path before you.
Y
Thank you so much, lightspeak. I will read your post frequently. You have written what I believe, but when the pain gets so intense, I just want my husband back with me. Thank you for understanding how intensely I grieve. I do believe that, on some level, ending the marriage immediately was the healthiest thing I have ever done. God bless you.
Just found this site and I’m so thankful for everyone’s sharing, insight and participation. It’s a lifeline. I’m just learning about SA and my husband’s lifelong issues. It’s a kick in the gut, and I still haven’t decided to keep him or divorce. He’s seeking help for the first time but it’s hard to support that process when I’m grieving for the years he was emotionally and physically absent, feeding his addiction. Please keep the wisdom flowing!