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Lara that was the beautiful Mary who listed the things to consider when deciding about a therapist…..I agree whole heartedly. My counsellor was very adequate at first for quite a while, but my knowledge of the particulars of this addiction has outgrown hers. I don’t blame her for that, she services a huge country area almost singlehanded at times. the other thing was that as she was in her early 70s and in a beautiful long term marriage, she didnt really “get” why I had ANY questions running round my mind after I divulged the nature of Sa’s behaviour that I had become increasingly aware of. I aws to her starting to look codependent I guess,,,,,,,,,,,,,but I’d like to substitute the words Deeply Shocked and Floundering Helplessly! for codependent in most cases.
Mary thanks for the list of books a couple of them are new to me.
So many stories, but so many women doing what we do best at times of trouble …………… communicating and praying for one another in some form or another
Pam
Hi. I’ve known my husband was a SA for a while (about 1 yr). We are currently separated, his choice, so he could mess around (I didn’t find this out until after we separated). We recently celebrated our 10th anniversary with a wonderful weekend and had been working on reconciling, so I thought.
Well, this morning I found out that he’s still been lying; spending the night over her place, sleeping with her and she’s now claiming she’s pregnant (I don’t believe her..she hasn’t produced any proof with tests or anything).
Right now, I feel the hurt, pain and anger but I’m also numb. I’m tired of him using and abusing and lying to me. I’m tired of him treating me like crap and being selfish.
He says that he wants to be with me and loves me, despite his actions. He says he will find out whether she’s really pregnant but would still like to be married and work on the relationship.
We don’t have any children & have been trying for years, so this is a BIG issue with us. I asked him if he was just going to up and leave if she was, and he said he didn’t know, he just knows that he wants to be with me.
I don’t believe him. How can I?
I don’t know what I’m going to do, besides keep praying. I love God with all my heart, soul and mind and want to please HIM more than anything.
If I do stay (this will be try #4, I think), he will HAVE to get help. NO if’s, and’s or but’s about it. I said this the last time but haven’t pushed it. It isn’t an option at this point, it’s a requirement.
I do feel that God is telling me to step away and let him sink or swim on his own…completely, but again, I’m going to pray for clarity.
So, I’m holding onto God’s hands, resting in His peace (for the most part) and will wait on HIm. Like that earlier post said, there is no rush in making a decision and I’m definitely not in a good state of mind right now.
Thank you, Ladies, for sharing your pain. Please keep us in prayer.
CJ
Hi ladies:
As I can red in several post, every thing happens in the same way, we discover this double life by accident ( more or less) and all our life change drasticaly, at least in my case it was like i wrote.
Well, I am not prepared to help other ladies to encourage their problems, because i couldné encourage mines but I try.
But I know that the truth only have one way, and all that we feel is so real, so deep in our hearts that only for this reason, it worth to wake up every morning and say today is the day that this man can´t hurt me.Although i love him, Although the sickness, although the adiction.
Other women could make it, so, one day I could.
Today he came at home, When I went, I kissed him (on his face) and he kissed me lots of kisses, but this time, it didn´t full my heart of pain, this time waas different. I felt far far from this pain.
Well, maybe, other thing that he makes me can hurt me, but today NOT.
Bless U
Cande
Cande,
Please take care of you! Think about your boundaries. I agree with Jodi b. You sound like an amazing, loving woman. I am always so frustrated with these men. I find the women here to be so extraordinary and giving. You seem like you have character and a passion for family and God. I think these guys know that but they also use it against us. You will get past this….. If you keep going and know you are the Lords treasure and he won’t let go of you!!!
CJ
You are in the right place! Only God sometimes can reach deep enough into our spirit to bring us the peace and grace we need to get through all of this. The enemy wants to hurt us and uses the most painful issues to devastate us. Remember this; even if she is pregnant he isn’t mature enough to be a committed husband let alone a responsible father. We always think it’s about us but these guys are about themselves. They are like a mack truck coming down a mountain with no brakes. They destroy anything or anyone in their path. For some reason we view ourselves as the reason they do this consciously or unconsciously. They are incapable of loving anyone least of all a child who only needs. He will manipulate you with anything he can without conscience. That’s the nature of the beast. If you did have the child he’d still be doing it and if he does leave you to be with her and she does have a child he’ll do it to them and you will be spared. That’s the irony!!! Reality is so hard to see sometimes. I do believe you are in the right place. When I became aware of my husbands addiction I went through the exact same thing and God has been faithful. ‘All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord,’ I just kept telling myself that. ALL THINGS, ALL THINGS ALL THINGS AND ALL THINGS!!
It is true CJ and you will find you joy because you will walk closer than ever. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this.
Y
Hello again ladies,
You have all become so very quickly a really strong point of safety in the storm for me. You are all so much more powerful than you give yourselves credit for – I underestimate myself in the same way, believe me. Writing here helps me step back and see that I am not as damaged and powerless and hopeless as i often think. Stepping back and looking at ourselves is really difficult to do when in the midst of the raging tempest of emotions, so anything that helps to do that even a little is valuable. And it’s not that I think I was a damaged person going into this marriage (although I brought my own strengths and shortcomings into the relationship) but that I have felt so shattered by his behaviors and betrayal that I have often wondered if I could ever heal. For now, I will take it on faith that I will. Hearing from other real women who have been at the point I am currently and are now themselves further down that healing path is more powerful than any therapist or book could be. What you are doing is real, not theoretical. I know that none of us will progress smoothly down a healing path. Our lives are too messy for that, and we are all imperfect. But I am being much easier on myself about this than I typically am in my life (no one has higher expectations for me than me!).
I also believe that the strength of my emotions in response to the deliberate and immoral behaviors in which he has engaged is appropriate. It is akin to what I believe about our desensitization as a society regarding violence because of the casual and excessive exposure to it in the media. We SHOULD be frightened, appalled and terribly disturbed by it! Our reaction isn’t the problem, the behavior is!
Leslea, go easy on yourself with regards to not having seen it and think you were just in denial about your husband’s behavior. Yes there were signs that you explained away, but those signs really COULD have been benign. Could you ever have imagined the truth? When we made the commitment to our husbands, part of the foundation of the relationship was that we could trust them. Honesty is such a powerful and necessary underpinning to any relationship, that in the normal world many things can look like something questionable, but if you are in an honest relationship (which you believed you were) it is also very reasonable and legitimate to explain something away or assume a benign explanation. None of us CAN live in a marriage (or any other intimate relationship) wherein every move has to be examined and a decision made about the veracity of our partner’s explanation for everything that is just a little off. Your decision to believe him and explain what you were seeing through a trusting lens is a hallmark of a healthy relationship! Otherwise, you WOULD have issues with trust! And part of the crazy-making of the addict is his skillfully convincing you that what you are sensing is not something that feels, in some uneasy way, “bad”, but instead subtly hinting (and later not so subtly) that you are overreacting, that the problem is your interpretation of the reality in front of you. To make this more challenging yet, often, as women, we are picking up on the unspoken cues in emotional and sexual distancing and body language, long before we know the truth, and we are often quite good at that. But trying to explain that to my H, when I would ask “What’s wrong? You seem angry or distant?” was a harder case to make, when he vehemently denied that he was either. When I pushed it, knowing what I was sensing, we ended up arguing, and in the end I felt horrible. I would never have imagined the reason for his distancing and irritability! And why should I have? Sometimes people ARE just tired, cranky, worried about work, etc, etc. The balance between normal trust and co-dependent enabling can be very blurred at times. HOWEVER, now that you know the truth, the rules have changed! Now if you were to buy explanations for behaviors that don’t make sense to you instead of listening to your inner voice, you are approaching co-dependence. Words don’t count right now, ONLY BEHAVIOR MATTERS! If he has excuses for why he doesn’t have time to go to 12 step meetings, if he isn’t reading, if he in any way resists being completely transparent with you, you have reason to worry. I know you may end up divorced, and that may be what is right for you. But if you do start thinking that maybe it could work if he got and stayed sober, this is where relearning these rules comes in. Then, it is NOT unreasonable mistrust, nor an effort to control his recovery (as some women have been accused of) but an appropriate expectation that he will need to ALWAYS be completely transparent (for the rest of your marriage) so that eventually you can pull back to a more balanced place of trust. But re-establishing that trust is the key – and the responsibility is HIS – and he does it by demonstrating CONSISTENT BEHAVIOR OVER TIME, where HIS ACTIONS MATCH HIS WORDS. Do not compromise on that.
Cande, I was moved almost to tears at your poignant description of the interaction with your husband where you didn’t feel the same old pain! You are regaining your footing and strength! It would seem that you are very much alone where you are, and yet you really are remarkable in the strength you have communicated through your posts.
Peace to you all, more later,
Mary
Mary,
You are a dear soul, that much is sure, and I am so thankful that you found this blog. What you wrote here says so much, and even more so because I know the “pain filter’ that you wrote all of that through. what you are bringing to all of us here is amazing. Thank you!!!
I don’t have a lot of time write now but wanted to thank you for this amazing post. I am saving it to share with other women I meet, for you said it all so well. I’m also very thankful that this sacred space is bringing the validation and safety that you need.
Cande, you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. A big virutal hug is going your way. Like Mary said, you are doing amazingly well.
Love and blessing to all!
Jodi B
Wow Mary ….how powerful and perceptive your words are! They must resonate with all of us as we have all, and are still, walking the same path and now we do it together.
Well, despite the volcanic intervention we finally took flight and I have been endeavouring to read the posts as I travel even though I haven’t had time to post myself.
I have made some major decisions and as a wronged, strong woman I refuse to be an enabler or co-dependent. I informed my H that I am not going to stay with him in this marriage as it now stands but that he may stay with me. My intention is to put our South African apartment up for sale and to move to a beautiful coastal resort in Spain where we have very good friends. I am no longer prepared to live long term in Africa where women are exploited on a daily basis and are forced in to horrendous situations in order to feed their kids. Prostitution is virtually a career option for some of these young girls and many of them are desperately looking for a ‘protector’. This environment is toxic for an SA and makes recovery so much harder.
So, I am planning my life’s next adventure and my H wishes to join me in it. I realise that the battle is on and that this is a lifetime commitment on his part and mine ….actions are what count as so many of the words are lies and ducking and diving to avoid the truth. I have been a ‘pinball wizard’ ricocheting from one emotion to another and realise that this must not go on if I am to stay sane and healthy. He has had the last ten years and the next ten are mine … I go forward on my terms and yes, I may fall flat on my face yet again ….he may fool me yet again ….he may lie to me yet again and if he does then he is the lesser man for it and I am merely being true to myself and refuse to be diminished by his behaviour.
At the moment he is stunned and humbled by my determination but must find his own strength to follow me on my terms as I am no longer prepared to tolerate his weakness in my life. The challenges for us are huge …to move continents, learn a language and operate in a totally new but beautiful environment …. it will all take months to achieve but I feel regenerated by this possible future …with or without him …..be strong ladies they act out of shabby weakness.
The posts here are so supportive and I hope to track down some of the book recommendations …I think Amazon will be my best bet unless any of you have a better site ….,many thanks for all your posts.
Maryann,
Congratulations! I am so excited for you! The next 10 years truly are yours; you are so brave and amazing and I am so proud of you… of all of us who move forward on our own steam.
I am crying tears of joy for you!
Leslea
Yes Terri!!!
I’m onboard!!! I’m praying for you and your children. Thanks for loving them enough to persevere. You are an inspiration!
Yvonne