Comments for Partners http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress A Blog for Partners. 500 Word Maximum. No e-mail addresses provided within blog. Those not honoring these guidelines will not be able to blog Wed, 08 Sep 2010 15:02:32 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 Comment on August, 2010 by Starry http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24915 Starry Wed, 08 Sep 2010 15:02:32 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24915 I've only just found this blog and read through some of the posts. I found out about SA about 4 months ago, up till then.. I don't know what I thought. We separated for a bit, but are back in the same house now. I'm going to counselling, so is he. I am attending CODA meetings, and he is attending the SA fellowship. I have hope. Things are a bit better, we are talking, we are sharing, but some days I still have that deep despair that is crippling. I think the worst thing of all is the betrayal of trust. Be well. Starry I’ve only just found this blog and read through some of the posts.

I found out about SA about 4 months ago, up till then.. I don’t know what I thought. We separated for a bit, but are back in the same house now.

I’m going to counselling, so is he. I am attending CODA meetings, and he is attending the SA fellowship. I have hope. Things are a bit better, we are talking, we are sharing, but some days I still have that deep despair that is crippling. I think the worst thing of all is the betrayal of trust.

Be well.
Starry

]]> Comment on August, 2010 by Pat http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24911 Pat Sat, 04 Sep 2010 11:50:21 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24911 I know how al of you feel. My soon to be ex is now lying in court to obtain joint custody of our son. He has lied about his addiction. He blamed me for it and he told the judge I was being treated for depression and refused meds!! He has a CSAT therapist whowas supposed to have a session with us both to tell me my husbands progress so decisions about custody could be made. Instead, the therapist insisted on seeing me alone. He verbally attacked me from the start of the session. He told me how horrible it must be to be me. He asked why was I so angry and told me I should be over it by now (it's been 9 mths since discovery). My addict is a super narcissist and expert liar. I have a PFA against him that will last 1 year. I know him. He will bide his time for that year and will attack me then. He will never let me live in peace. I am terrified of the things he is filling our child's head with. I can only hope that he self destructs before he has had a chance to do further damage to our lives. Despite his best efforts to wreak havoc, I am determined to move on and live a full and happy life and to provide the same for my son. I know how al of you feel. My soon to be ex is now lying in court to obtain joint custody of our son. He has lied about his addiction. He blamed me for it and he told the judge I was being treated for depression and refused meds!! He has a CSAT therapist whowas supposed to have a session with us both to tell me my husbands progress so decisions about custody could be made. Instead, the therapist insisted on seeing me alone. He verbally attacked me from the start of the session. He told me how horrible it must be to be me. He asked why was I so angry and told me I should be over it by now (it’s been 9 mths since discovery). My addict is a super narcissist and expert liar. I have a PFA against him that will last 1 year. I know him. He will bide his time for that year and will attack me then. He will never let me live in peace. I am terrified of the things he is filling our child’s head with. I can only hope that he self destructs before he has had a chance to do further damage to our lives. Despite his best efforts to wreak havoc, I am determined to move on and live a full and happy life and to provide the same for my son.

]]> Comment on August, 2010 by unhappy http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24906 unhappy Mon, 30 Aug 2010 14:14:27 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24906 This is my first time here. My ex husband is a SA. We have been divorced for a little over 7 years. I found out when I went for a first OB appointment and discovered I had an STD. Luckily, it was curable. I vowed never to be in that situation again. I went to counceling for a long time to deal with the feeling that I was having. Recently I found out that my boyfriend of 6 years is a SA. We recently had a baby. Because I am sleeping lighter and keep a night light on I discovered that he is masturbating several times a night. He does not want to have sex with me. He claims he is old and tired (he is 50). If this was the case, he would not be masturbating. He has 1 porn magazine that he rarely looks at. He does not know that I even know about the porn. He does know that I am aware of his masturbating. I do not know if he has cheated on me, but if he hasn't, he will. I refuse to be in that situation again. He refuses to admit it is even happening. He tries to tell me that I must be dreaming it or that he is doing it in his sleep. If he sees that I am awake, he stops. I am going to leave. I have told him this and he just pretends not to hear me. Financially, I can not leave as soon as I want (today). It will take me a year to save up. I do not have any family or friends I could stay with in the mean time. Any support and/or advise would be appreciated. This is my first time here. My ex husband is a SA. We have been divorced for a little over 7 years. I found out when I went for a first OB appointment and discovered I had an STD. Luckily, it was curable. I vowed never to be in that situation again. I went to counceling for a long time to deal with the feeling that I was having. Recently I found out that my boyfriend of 6 years is a SA. We recently had a baby. Because I am sleeping lighter and keep a night light on I discovered that he is masturbating several times a night. He does not want to have sex with me. He claims he is old and tired (he is 50). If this was the case, he would not be masturbating. He has 1 porn magazine that he rarely looks at. He does not know that I even know about the porn. He does know that I am aware of his masturbating. I do not know if he has cheated on me, but if he hasn’t, he will. I refuse to be in that situation again. He refuses to admit it is even happening. He tries to tell me that I must be dreaming it or that he is doing it in his sleep. If he sees that I am awake, he stops. I am going to leave. I have told him this and he just pretends not to hear me. Financially, I can not leave as soon as I want (today). It will take me a year to save up. I do not have any family or friends I could stay with in the mean time. Any support and/or advise would be appreciated.

]]> Comment on August, 2010 by Kim http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24898 Kim Sat, 28 Aug 2010 05:28:00 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24898 I'm into this one year today and asked him to leave for a few days. My kids are young adults out of the house. One yr later, I am finally gaining calm! Wow me! I see better today about a lot of things than I did one year ago. I do have choices. You will too. Cande, having kids complicates your thoughts, choices. They must be your priority but please, remember, your behavior, decisions and actions they feel, see and will at some point question you over and over. Mine have begun to as well. I hurt for you but I celebrate your strength more. I’m into this one year today and asked him to leave for a few days. My kids are young adults out of the house. One yr later, I am finally gaining calm! Wow me! I see better today about a lot of things than I did one year ago. I do have choices. You will too.
Cande, having kids complicates your thoughts, choices. They must be your priority but please, remember, your behavior, decisions and actions they feel, see and will at some point question you over and over. Mine have begun to as well.
I hurt for you but I celebrate your strength more.

]]> Comment on August, 2010 by Cande http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24895 Cande Thu, 26 Aug 2010 22:06:04 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24895 Hi ladies Bless U Almost a mounth has passes since I wrote. Thanks for the support. I feel sad , because, now he has another girlfriend, lover, He has broken with the other girl, and now this girl is crying for him, because she doesn´t know why he finished the relation. He is now on holidays with her, (the new one) wasting our money, and he hasn´t advised anybody that he gone, only to me, obviously, because our girls. Why he finished with the other girl, this person was that he told me, he wanted divorce of me, because she has helped him, he was near to die with me and this girl gave him life, and now he broke. I don´t understand, what he is searching. My friend says that he was boring for the life that he had with me, but we built this life together, I didn´t decide to have children alone. Well, ad day today, Thanks , bye Hi ladies
Bless U
Almost a mounth has passes since I wrote.
Thanks for the support.
I feel sad , because, now he has another girlfriend, lover,
He has broken with the other girl, and now this girl is crying for him, because she doesn´t know why he finished the relation.
He is now on holidays with her, (the new one) wasting our money, and he hasn´t advised anybody that he gone, only to me, obviously, because our girls.
Why he finished with the other girl, this person was that he told me, he wanted divorce of me, because she has helped him, he was near to die with me and this girl gave him life, and now he broke.
I don´t understand, what he is searching.
My friend says that he was boring for the life that he had with me, but we built this life together, I didn´t decide to have children alone.
Well, ad day today,
Thanks , bye

]]> Comment on August, 2010 by PR http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24885 PR Sun, 15 Aug 2010 02:06:26 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24885 I don't have children so I can only imagine the hurt you feel for them. And I'm sure it is so difficult striking that balance between not wanting to bad mouth their father and not wanting them to follow in their footsteps. I guess we need to surround ourselves as much as possible with all that is good and pure and loving and honest and hope that will eventually replace the cynicism in our souls. Thanks for answering, Leslea. As always it helps to know others truly understand what I feel. Polly I don’t have children so I can only imagine the hurt you feel for them. And I’m sure it is so difficult striking that balance between not wanting to bad mouth their father and not wanting them to follow in their footsteps.

I guess we need to surround ourselves as much as possible with all that is good and pure and loving and honest and hope that will eventually replace the cynicism in our souls.

Thanks for answering, Leslea. As always it helps to know others truly understand what I feel.

Polly

]]> Comment on August, 2010 by Leslea http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24879 Leslea Thu, 12 Aug 2010 17:06:49 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24879 Hello Polly, I would have to say that I agree with you wholeheartedly. This experience is changing me, and I feel that in some ways it is not for the better. I have intense feelings of cynicism toward marriage, everlasting love and faithfulness. I question whether men are actually capable of faithfulness and fidelity, or if it just wishful thinking... I have often thought, that if it weren't for my two young sons, it would be easy to simply "write off" men entirely... become a man-hating B@#*! as it were.... but what does that mean for my sons... or my relationship with them? So, I am left to try and sort out these terrible feelings, and to do my best raising my sons, with no positive male role models for them... or for me. And then, what happens if one, or both of them grow to have an attitude of disrespect toward women, and I found out they have hurt some young woman as their father has hurt me? Will I be able to stand it? Well, trying to predict the future will not help me today, and so I try to believe that I can help them to grow into honourable men who have integrity and are capable of nurturing a loving and intimate relationship... and have faith that we will get there. But it sure is frightening. My SAH and I have been working on our separation agreement. We are working surprisingly well together, trying to avoid a court battle... certain parts of our agreement, especially where the children are concerned, depend on his ongoing participation in therapy for SA, and his abstinence from the behaviours that he exhibits as a part of the addiction... and then 2 days ago, I found evidence of a full-blown relapse. I can't say that I am surprised... but once again, it is clear that no consequence in the world will be enough. He has lost his marriage, his financial situations will suffer greatly for it, and he continues to risk his relationship with his children... and no matter how much I detach from him and his problem, I will forever be left picking up the pieces and running interference, in an effort to protect my sons from his deception and lies. So yes, I feel that the world spins on a new axis now. I have changed and the world around me has changed... or at least my perception of it has. I used to believe in love and happiness. I used to believe that people were good, and wanted good for each other... but now... Leslea Hello Polly,

I would have to say that I agree with you wholeheartedly. This experience is changing me, and I feel that in some ways it is not for the better. I have intense feelings of cynicism toward marriage, everlasting love and faithfulness. I question whether men are actually capable of faithfulness and fidelity, or if it just wishful thinking…

I have often thought, that if it weren’t for my two young sons, it would be easy to simply “write off” men entirely… become a man-hating B@#*! as it were…. but what does that mean for my sons… or my relationship with them? So, I am left to try and sort out these terrible feelings, and to do my best raising my sons, with no positive male role models for them… or for me. And then, what happens if one, or both of them grow to have an attitude of disrespect toward women, and I found out they have hurt some young woman as their father has hurt me? Will I be able to stand it?

Well, trying to predict the future will not help me today, and so I try to believe that I can help them to grow into honourable men who have integrity and are capable of nurturing a loving and intimate relationship… and have faith that we will get there. But it sure is frightening.

My SAH and I have been working on our separation agreement. We are working surprisingly well together, trying to avoid a court battle… certain parts of our agreement, especially where the children are concerned, depend on his ongoing participation in therapy for SA, and his abstinence from the behaviours that he exhibits as a part of the addiction… and then 2 days ago, I found evidence of a full-blown relapse. I can’t say that I am surprised… but once again, it is clear that no consequence in the world will be enough. He has lost his marriage, his financial situations will suffer greatly for it, and he continues to risk his relationship with his children… and no matter how much I detach from him and his problem, I will forever be left picking up the pieces and running interference, in an effort to protect my sons from his deception and lies.

So yes, I feel that the world spins on a new axis now. I have changed and the world around me has changed… or at least my perception of it has. I used to believe in love and happiness. I used to believe that people were good, and wanted good for each other… but now…

Leslea

]]> Comment on August, 2010 by PR http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24873 PR Tue, 10 Aug 2010 18:34:37 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24873 Hello Everyone, I agree with you, lightspeak. I can't comprehend that these men give up everything for short-term thrills. The lies they tell themselves must be so complex. I have been feeling that this experience with my SA ex has changed me in some deep way that does not feel good. I don't feel like myself anymore. Something is missing inside of me -- my faith in the goodness of the world? my hope? I'm not sure what it is, but the world and the rest of my life look very different than they did before. Feels like nothing will ever be the same. Anyone else have this experience? Polly Hello Everyone,

I agree with you, lightspeak. I can’t comprehend that these men give up everything for short-term thrills. The lies they tell themselves must be so complex.

I have been feeling that this experience with my SA ex has changed me in some deep way that does not feel good. I don’t feel like myself anymore. Something is missing inside of me — my faith in the goodness of the world? my hope? I’m not sure what it is, but the world and the rest of my life look very different than they did before. Feels like nothing will ever be the same. Anyone else have this experience?

Polly

]]> Comment on August, 2010 by lightspeak http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24871 lightspeak Mon, 09 Aug 2010 02:55:13 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24871 Leslea, The pain is palpable!!! I'm so glad you have somewhere to go wih your children. As many times as I hear this story it always comes as a surprise. I just can't fathom how these men are willing to lose the treasures of their lives to satisfy in the moment. It is an equation that just doesn't work. I'm glad you came back. You are so courageous to give up the things you are giving up. I must tell you though; you are giving your children a gift and setting a standard for fidelity in marriage. You are also protecting them from his influence. Bless you!!!!!!! Leslea,

The pain is palpable!!! I’m so glad you have somewhere to go wih your children. As many times as I hear this story it always comes as a surprise. I just can’t fathom how these men are willing to lose the treasures of their lives to satisfy in the moment. It is an equation that just doesn’t work.

I’m glad you came back. You are so courageous to give up the things you are giving up. I must tell you though; you are giving your children a gift and setting a standard for fidelity in marriage. You are also protecting them from his influence.

Bless you!!!!!!!

]]> Comment on August, 2010 by Leslea http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62&cpage=1#comment-24863 Leslea Sun, 08 Aug 2010 17:35:18 +0000 http://women.sexaddict.com/wordpress/?p=62#comment-24863 Hi Ladies, I have been off the site for a while, as my SAH was reading my posts... We are moving to a new city, to new jobs and a new school for my 5 yr-old. Happily for me, we are moving to the city where I grew up. I am moving in with my mother with my children, and my soon-to-be ex-H is moving to his own place. Our house has an offer on it, so it should sell soon, and our separation agreement is almost ready to sign. Although I am terribly sad to be leaving this community and life that I love, I know that I need this move to support my healing and my ability to move past this terrible trauma. I have always loved music, and have created a playlist for myself that helps me to get in touch with my feelings about all of this, because I tend to just ignore it and hope it will go away otherwise... and then I eat junk food!! Obviously this is not the answer! So, by listening to my playlist, I distract myself from my impulse to eat, and instead I reflect on what my ex-H has done, and how it has hurt me. There is a new song out there by a new artist. Her song was featured on one of the dance shows that is currently on TV. The lyrics are quite perfect, and I often wonder if the writer took them out of my own heart... "... I hear you're asking all around if I am anywhere to be found But I have grown too strong To ever fall back in your arms I learned to live half alive, And now you want me one more time And who do you think you are? Running around leaving scars, Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart, You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul... So don't come back for me, Who do you think you are?... And it took so long, just to feel alright, Remember, how to put back the light in my eyes I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, 'cause you broke all your promises, and now you're back... you don't get to get me back... And who do you think you are? Running around leaving scars, Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart, You're gonna catch a cold, from the ice inside your soul... So don't come back for me, Don't come back at all..." Love to you ladies, you deserve it... you deserve the real thing! Leslea Hi Ladies,

I have been off the site for a while, as my SAH was reading my posts…

We are moving to a new city, to new jobs and a new school for my 5 yr-old. Happily for me, we are moving to the city where I grew up. I am moving in with my mother with my children, and my soon-to-be ex-H is moving to his own place. Our house has an offer on it, so it should sell soon, and our separation agreement is almost ready to sign. Although I am terribly sad to be leaving this community and life that I love, I know that I need this move to support my healing and my ability to move past this terrible trauma.

I have always loved music, and have created a playlist for myself that helps me to get in touch with my feelings about all of this, because I tend to just ignore it and hope it will go away otherwise… and then I eat junk food!! Obviously this is not the answer! So, by listening to my playlist, I distract myself from my impulse to eat, and instead I reflect on what my ex-H has done, and how it has hurt me. There is a new song out there by a new artist. Her song was featured on one of the dance shows that is currently on TV. The lyrics are quite perfect, and I often wonder if the writer took them out of my own heart…

“… I hear you’re asking all around
if I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
I learned to live half alive,
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts,
tearing love apart,
You’re gonna catch a cold,
from the ice inside your soul…
So don’t come back for me,
Who do you think you are?…

And it took so long, just to feel alright,
Remember, how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed,
’cause you broke all your promises,
and now you’re back…
you don’t get to get me back…

And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars,
Collecting your jar of hearts,
tearing love apart,
You’re gonna catch a cold,
from the ice inside your soul…
So don’t come back for me,
Don’t come back at all…”

Love to you ladies, you deserve it… you deserve the real thing!
Leslea

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